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Tips For Looking For a Job In a Recession

By: Tamara Rudorfer

Posted: 5/1/09

In these turbulent times, we all know that looking for a job is tough. Here are some "out of the box" ideas to help you get started on your job search.*

  1. It's time to forget your dignity. If you had a job before going back to school, try to track down your old boss and beg him/her to take you back. Forget about e-mail/LinkedIn/Facebook. You need to make yourself really stand out, so find your ex-boss's home address and show up there. Sit outside the front door (as early in the morning as possible), and wait for someone to attempt to exit. Do not allow them to until you have secured an offer of employment. Say that you won't leave until all of your demands have been met, and that it's simply a sign of your persistence.
  2. Pick a company that recently had a huge round of layoffs. Sneak in and make yourself at home in a deserted cubicle (or office, if you're bold). After a few days of putting in "face time," head to payroll and tell them that there was an error with your direct deposit, and that you need to get paid ASAP for all the hard work you've been doing. They'll probably be too frazzled to realize that the new "transitional consultant" was never actually hired by anyone.
  3. Crash a wedding/bar mitzvah/family reunion. Claim to be someone's cousin ("Mike," "Jack," or "Dave" always works well). Network and pass out business cards. Do your research beforehand in order to find a family with a business of their own or good connections. You don't want to waste time with a bunch of retirees who just want to talk about their grandkids and ask repeatedly when you're going to settle down.
  4. Start your own business. Think - who needs help right now? It's definitely your fellow unemployed friends. Offer to review their resumes for a small fee, then suggest complete revisions that will "unfortunately" cost a lot more than the original estimate.
  5. If you ever worked at Lehman Brothers, Bear Stearns, or any other company that no longer exists, make some extra money selling old company t-shirts, pens, planners, etc. on eBay.
  6. Mention to the most annoying person you know that you're out of work. Loudmouthed, self-righteous people love to share their advice on all topics, and will surely be more than happy to tell you what you're doing wrong!
  7. Watch television for inspiration, and start preparing for a career change. Save money on tuition by learning from fictional characters! You can be a lawyer (Law & Order, Damages), doctor (Grey's Anatomy, Nip/Tuck), or drug dealer (Breaking Bad, Weeds, The Wire). I vote for the last option. No need to take the pesky MCAT or LSAT!
  8. If you've always wanted to start a band, there's no time like the present.
  9. Start a Ponzi scheme. Flee the county before you get caught.
  10. Create a resume that is entirely a work of fiction, and apply for jobs that you are not qualified for but can fake your way through (i.e. ignore my advice in #7 about becoming a doctor). Hope that the HR people in charge of background checks have been laid off. If you make it through the interview, you're all set.

* Note: If the day comes that you begin to feel desperate enough to actually try some of these, try to pick one that doesn't involve criminal activity. I have enough problems already and would like to avoid being named as an accomplice.

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