The War on Liquids

Insanity Rules in our Airports

By: Oded Kafka

Posted: 3/27/07

The question burning in every mind as we sit here in the airport waiting to board is: How is TSA thwarting terror by confiscating my moisturizing lotion? It's not just my moisturizer. All our water bottles are empty and no one has any shampoo or shaving cream. We pass around a bottle of Bacardi that someone bought at the Duty Free shop, and ponder the nature of security and terror. We don't talk to one another - we just sit and think. The air in the airport is really dry. My hands are cracking, and I sure could use that moisturizer.

Don't get me wrong. We certainly appreciate TSA's efforts to protect our nation from terrorists and harmful personal care sundries. Also, it's not as though they haven't found a workable solution: you can take liquids, lotions, shampoos, etc. in containers equal to or smaller than 3.0 oz., but they must be contained in a clear quart-sized Ziploc bag, no gallon sizes, no twist ties, and no fancy zippered travelers' toiletry bag. Don't try bending the rules. A 5 oz. half empty shampoo is still a 5 oz bottle, not 2.5 oz of potential keratoid-enhanced wheat-germ-infused explosive material. Insanity rules.

Drinks are suspect too. A water bottle can threaten the safety of everyone onboard. Apparently water resembles another colorless odorless liquid that quenches thirst like water, and no demonstration of its innocent nature can satisfy the ever-vigilant security officer. Insanity rules. In truth, the TSA admits it is not the liquids, but the containers that they are worried about because they can be used to mix explosive liquids on board. Liquids don't kill people, containers do.

Thanks to the warm feeling flooding my system, I know one can still buy a 32 oz. bottle of rum at the duty free shop and take it on board, or even buy a bottle of water after the checkpoint - without restrictions. But that is not considered dangerous. That's commerce, and we mustn't let fear disrupt commerce.

Someday soon airports will have pharmacies stocked only with Lilliputian lotions, shrimpy shampoos and refreshing 3.0 oz. bottles of water. Insanity rules.

Soon airports will have a take-a-bottle-leave-a-bottle bins modeled after the highly successful take-a-penny--leave-a-penny trays. Travelers will be able to leave the dearly bought 10oz. sunblock, and an incoming traveler will be able to make use of it… gratis. Insanity rules.

Oh I could go on. There is the shoe fad, and the liquid ban, the guaranteed random selection of every traveler who could be Middle Eastern. (Note to readers who like being strip-searched: book your reservation with a travel agent in the Middle East). Occasionally someone has a flash of sanity and declares that nail cutters are no-longer-threats-to-national-security. Still, insanity rules.

All jesting aside, our government took control of airport security nationwide after 9/11 because it is a something too important to leave to chance. Without their security, we might be afraid to fly. Just think about it: businesspeople might restrict their travel to a minimum and only fly with the aid of tranquilizers. We must not allow fear to interfere with our way of life. We should take comfort in the fact that our government dispels fear with simple safety steps.

We face a threat that is nebulous. We can only say it is not shoe bombs, not shampoo bombs, not plastic bottles. What is it though? Well, never mind, chapped knuckles are a small price to pay for safety.

At the next gate, a curly-haired youngster plays guitar and wails in a whiny nasal voice, "Let me die in my footsteps, before I go down under the ground." It is the voice of another generation, but it is fresh again.

While our country declares war on an abstract noun, and instructs us to Duck & Cover and Duct Tape our Homes, while we doff our shoes in patriotic solidarity here at the airport, we ponder how the TSA thwarts the Terror in our toiletries - We, the People, the Combine.

(Source: http://www.tsa.gov/assets/pdf/prohibited-and-permitted-items.pdf)